It's potty time, dahlings!

Who doesn't just love the bathroom at work?!
Come on girls, let me hear you say, " HEEEAAAVE, hoe!"

You think I'm being facetious, don't you?

You think I'm going to list all the reasons why using public bathrooms are the worst thing since using public bathrooms, I just know it.

But think about it. You get to get away from your office for a few minutes and do whatever you want in there. There's no oppressive stinker of a supervisor present to tighten your sphincter for you. No one will judge you out loud, criticize you. Everyone is always so damn nice and skiddish outside of the stall. And inside of the stall, you have total anonymity. Even if your shoes are recognized, no one will dare call you out. The best thing about it is that no one can tell you how to pee, no one can tell you how to change your tampon or tell you how to poop! ...mostly because there's just one way to do it. But it is oh-so-gratifying to take a good shit. If you don't think so, if you're lying to yourself right now saying that I'm crazy... 

Because give me a break, you know you love it. At the very least, you WOULD love it if you hadn't internalized the "EW GROSS EW" poop mentality. This all applies especially at work! If everything you do all day means virtually nothing, all you do from 9am-5pm is deal with other people's shit, then by-god-wo-man, be proud of the shit you created yourself!

 Receiver of the Party-time Efficiency Seal®

It is like a great accomplishment. "I have exercised regularly and taken in enough fiber, hooray!"

Or it is like a reminder. "Ouch, I should really drink more water and ease off the chorizo burritos." (Like that'll happen.)

Or it is like a good flushing, especially if you're on a diet. "My goodness, it only took 10 minutes (lol) to take 2 inches off my waistline! 

Or it is like an after-party on Monday mid-morning. "Aaahhh, this is the one good thing that comes from having a hangover. Beer shit at 10:15am, ftw!"

So, all of the above there is pretty personal, though I'll TOTALLY bet that there are plenty of other ladies that feel the exact same way about their bathroom habits. Only thing is, the trend among femmes when it comes to potty talk, is about how horribly disgusting the bathroom is and how disgustingly inappropriate EVERYONE ELSE acts in there.

Main topics of lady bathroom disgust:

♀ EWWW the bathroom is so gross omgomg don't touch anything!!! (1.2.3.4.5)

♀ GERMS!!! (1.2.3.4.5)

♀ Pee on the toilet (1.2.3.4.5)

♀ Drip-drying (1.3.4.5)

(Note: this is usually an offense committed by the woman who will not help a sister out with some goddamn toilet paper. See "Just three squares! Or even a ply!!!" by Elaine from Seinfeld for reference. -->)

♀ Hanging out for more than a few minutes afterwards/hogging the counter (1.2.4)

♀ Talking to someone in a stall (1.2.3)

♀ Last person didn't flush (1.2)

(this includes " If you just got back from your trip to a developing country where 

people live on a gallon a day, do not inflict 

your newfound POV on users."

...wow.) 

♀ Gossip (2.3)

♀ Being alone (2.3)

(Note: this is an offense committed by the person who left her alone)

♀ Lack of reporting when a toilet is clogged (3)

♀ Talking on the phone while you're in a stall (3)

♀ Shitting when someone else is present (3)

♀ Spraying heavy floral scented spray over shit-smell (1)

♀ Leaving hair that you've brushed out of your head everywhere (1)

("Wet hair clumps look like dead animals, and there's nothing worse than watching hair and soap battle it out down a drain." (1) ...well I can think of a few things, like poverty and real dead animal battles, yknow, zombie sheep eating and shitting all over each other.) 

So you see, everyone's got an opinion about how to do it. But then again, everyone's got an opinion about how to do virtually anything. Don't get me wrong, all the stuff about cleaning up after yourself is right on. It's just ... well ... all that complaining is so damn prissy! It also reinforces the societal-wide opinion that girls are clean, that our vaginas are dirty and morality-spoiling, that  hygiene is symbolic for moral purity (...but that's another topic for another time.)

Which brings me to a point here about the threat of massive amounts of shit piling up if someone doesn't clean it up. That person should also be YOU if it's your own mess. Accountability. BAM.  There's nothing that has grossed me out more than the scenes in Jose Saramago's Blindness that describe the sheer horror of shit everywhere. 

All of that is shit. I'm not kidding.

"It is not just the state to which the lavatories were soon reduced, fetid caverns such as the gutters in hell full of condemned souls must be, but also the lack of respect shown by some of the inmates or the sudden urgency of others that turned the corridors and other passageways into latrines, at first only occasionally but now as a matter of habit. ... When it became impossible in any sense, to reach the lavatories, the blind internees began using the yard as a place to relieve themselves and clear their bowels. ...in search of a foot or two of clean ground, if there was any amidst that endless carpet of trampled excrement ...and also the slight mounds, now almost flattened, that barely covered the dead..."

 But the thing is, in the ladies bathroom, if there's a sprinkling of urine (which is sterile for the most part) on the toilet, give your nerves a break and just deal.

To read the dude's perspective, here's a link to a most hilarious post by my friend Marius, blogging Cartoon Stink Lines: http://cartoonstinklinespoop.blogspot.com/2011/04/laws-and-customs-of-room-of-rest.html

References for list o' offenses:

1. The WH Bathroom Ettiquette Guide.
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/bathroom-etiquette
2. The Ladies Room Monologues (video) and Bathroom Humor for Women. http://www.femalerestrooms.com/
3. International Center for Bathroom Ettiquette.
http://www.icbe.org/womens-bathroom-issues/ & http://www.icbe.org/womens-bathroom-issues-ii/
4. How to Properly Use a Public Women's Restroom.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2128418_properly-use-public-womens-restroom.html
5. Women's Ettiquette 101.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Womens-Restroom-Etiquette

Photo credits

http://www.icbe.org/category/toilet-babes/ <--yes, that is a whole blog of hot women on toilets.

Jinxes (also, a couple hot bods and jesus)

Last week, I started this blog thinking, "IMMA FINALLY DO THIS BLOG THING EVERY GOD DAMN DAY." And what happens? Of course my computer gets a virus after the second one. At least I got to say I wrote blogS. Luckily, I.T. was able to fix my Dell friend relatively promptly.

So, in the spirit of that buncha bullshit, all I can think to write about are jinxes.

You know you believe in jinxes. This is especially relevant today because the weather calls for scattered thunderstorms. Only if you don't bring your umbrella to lunch, you're going to be *THE ONE* solely responsible for an imminent downpour. You also didn't wear a coat with a hood and are wearing white, you idiot. (I am only berating you because I didn't wear a coat with a hood and am wearing white and it makes me feel better...heh, I digress. o.O)

You're, uh, welcome?

Though, as demonstrated to your right, jinxes can be blessings in disguise. Isn't it beautiful? Like if someone else totally hot did this and jinxed the weather. But, see, if we can go for an advanced lesson in jinx instruction for a minute, I have to tell ya, unfortunately that beautiful disaster right there could never happen. Here, you must consider the case of an opposite jinx:
if you saw this beautiful specimen on the street wearing a white shirt and it looked like it was about to rain, you just can forget it. FANTASY OVER.
P.S. The universe revolves around you at all times so you'll never get to see that happen -->
P.P.S. please do yourself a favor and think of David Boreanaz as caught in the rain here, and not sweating so profusely as to saturate his cotton shirt with putrid human saline solution or lubricant. Unless you're into that kind of thing... Hey, no judgment here. Fantasize away.

In all seriousness, though, those omg-of-COURSE-that-would-happen-to-me moments are made of majik. Wikipedia, everyone's favorite source of ultim8 trooth, tells us that jinxes occur for several reasons. Among them:

• A type of curse placed on a person that makes them prey to many minor misfortunes and other forms of bad luck;
• A person afflicted with a similar curse, who, while not directly subject to a series of misfortunes, seems to attract them to anyone in his vicinity.
• An object/person that brings bad luck.
• A common slang term used when two people say the same thing at the same time, said as a game among children.

But to me, the strongest of those is when you "(talk) about a future event with too much confidence." You will also cause a jinx, as with the example of today with the forecast of thunderstorms, if you choose to do something in direct, haughty, conceited and otherwise egotistical opposition to the worst case scenario. Observe.
Scenario: Gloomy day, forecast of rain.  
Opposition Action: Consciously not bringing umbrella outside.
Jinx: FUCKING TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR FOR EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU, JERK.
The example the Wikipedia article used is the muthafuckin Titanic, which was said to be unsinkable.

With those breasts, Jack should have used her life vest.

Yeeeaaahhh, way to go, assholes. Arrogance tempts "the-almighty-whomever-controls-your-circumstances-and-favorite-stuff." So you better not make "it" feel like being mad at your or even give it the opportunity to act mischievously and fuck your shit up. Everyone knows that.

Come to think about it, that could be why I hate arrogance so much. C'mon, You think you're so much better than everyone else you can just be horrible, completely disregard caution, live your life intrepidly without abandon and not get jinxed?! Ooooh, buddy, (I'm not really boring or anything and) you'll get yours!!!

Ok, so this is a bit of a non-sequitor, but I wonder if the belief in jinxes is a sort of folk lore left-over from when religiosity and common knowledge were so entangled that no one could tell them apart. Oh, shit, maybe I am religious - indirectly, of course, but still, ack!. I mean, the phrases: "Goddamn!" "Jesus, what the...?" and "Holy Fuck!" pop out of my mouth regularly, after all.

No, no nooooo, NO NO NYOOO!
This can not be! I do not like religion and find it's influence grotesquely inversely proportional to it's logic and it makes people act stupidly and irrationally!

I don't find that ironic at all, no no. But just in case, I should use my trusty jinx remover if you just in fact witnessed me jinxing myself into a spiritual rebirth.

Atheist 4 life!