It's potty time, dahlings!

Who doesn't just love the bathroom at work?!
Come on girls, let me hear you say, " HEEEAAAVE, hoe!"

You think I'm being facetious, don't you?

You think I'm going to list all the reasons why using public bathrooms are the worst thing since using public bathrooms, I just know it.

But think about it. You get to get away from your office for a few minutes and do whatever you want in there. There's no oppressive stinker of a supervisor present to tighten your sphincter for you. No one will judge you out loud, criticize you. Everyone is always so damn nice and skiddish outside of the stall. And inside of the stall, you have total anonymity. Even if your shoes are recognized, no one will dare call you out. The best thing about it is that no one can tell you how to pee, no one can tell you how to change your tampon or tell you how to poop! ...mostly because there's just one way to do it. But it is oh-so-gratifying to take a good shit. If you don't think so, if you're lying to yourself right now saying that I'm crazy... 

Because give me a break, you know you love it. At the very least, you WOULD love it if you hadn't internalized the "EW GROSS EW" poop mentality. This all applies especially at work! If everything you do all day means virtually nothing, all you do from 9am-5pm is deal with other people's shit, then by-god-wo-man, be proud of the shit you created yourself!

 Receiver of the Party-time Efficiency Seal®

It is like a great accomplishment. "I have exercised regularly and taken in enough fiber, hooray!"

Or it is like a reminder. "Ouch, I should really drink more water and ease off the chorizo burritos." (Like that'll happen.)

Or it is like a good flushing, especially if you're on a diet. "My goodness, it only took 10 minutes (lol) to take 2 inches off my waistline! 

Or it is like an after-party on Monday mid-morning. "Aaahhh, this is the one good thing that comes from having a hangover. Beer shit at 10:15am, ftw!"

So, all of the above there is pretty personal, though I'll TOTALLY bet that there are plenty of other ladies that feel the exact same way about their bathroom habits. Only thing is, the trend among femmes when it comes to potty talk, is about how horribly disgusting the bathroom is and how disgustingly inappropriate EVERYONE ELSE acts in there.

Main topics of lady bathroom disgust:

♀ EWWW the bathroom is so gross omgomg don't touch anything!!! (1.2.3.4.5)

♀ GERMS!!! (1.2.3.4.5)

♀ Pee on the toilet (1.2.3.4.5)

♀ Drip-drying (1.3.4.5)

(Note: this is usually an offense committed by the woman who will not help a sister out with some goddamn toilet paper. See "Just three squares! Or even a ply!!!" by Elaine from Seinfeld for reference. -->)

♀ Hanging out for more than a few minutes afterwards/hogging the counter (1.2.4)

♀ Talking to someone in a stall (1.2.3)

♀ Last person didn't flush (1.2)

(this includes " If you just got back from your trip to a developing country where 

people live on a gallon a day, do not inflict 

your newfound POV on users."

...wow.) 

♀ Gossip (2.3)

♀ Being alone (2.3)

(Note: this is an offense committed by the person who left her alone)

♀ Lack of reporting when a toilet is clogged (3)

♀ Talking on the phone while you're in a stall (3)

♀ Shitting when someone else is present (3)

♀ Spraying heavy floral scented spray over shit-smell (1)

♀ Leaving hair that you've brushed out of your head everywhere (1)

("Wet hair clumps look like dead animals, and there's nothing worse than watching hair and soap battle it out down a drain." (1) ...well I can think of a few things, like poverty and real dead animal battles, yknow, zombie sheep eating and shitting all over each other.) 

So you see, everyone's got an opinion about how to do it. But then again, everyone's got an opinion about how to do virtually anything. Don't get me wrong, all the stuff about cleaning up after yourself is right on. It's just ... well ... all that complaining is so damn prissy! It also reinforces the societal-wide opinion that girls are clean, that our vaginas are dirty and morality-spoiling, that  hygiene is symbolic for moral purity (...but that's another topic for another time.)

Which brings me to a point here about the threat of massive amounts of shit piling up if someone doesn't clean it up. That person should also be YOU if it's your own mess. Accountability. BAM.  There's nothing that has grossed me out more than the scenes in Jose Saramago's Blindness that describe the sheer horror of shit everywhere. 

All of that is shit. I'm not kidding.

"It is not just the state to which the lavatories were soon reduced, fetid caverns such as the gutters in hell full of condemned souls must be, but also the lack of respect shown by some of the inmates or the sudden urgency of others that turned the corridors and other passageways into latrines, at first only occasionally but now as a matter of habit. ... When it became impossible in any sense, to reach the lavatories, the blind internees began using the yard as a place to relieve themselves and clear their bowels. ...in search of a foot or two of clean ground, if there was any amidst that endless carpet of trampled excrement ...and also the slight mounds, now almost flattened, that barely covered the dead..."

 But the thing is, in the ladies bathroom, if there's a sprinkling of urine (which is sterile for the most part) on the toilet, give your nerves a break and just deal.

To read the dude's perspective, here's a link to a most hilarious post by my friend Marius, blogging Cartoon Stink Lines: http://cartoonstinklinespoop.blogspot.com/2011/04/laws-and-customs-of-room-of-rest.html

References for list o' offenses:

1. The WH Bathroom Ettiquette Guide.
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/life/bathroom-etiquette
2. The Ladies Room Monologues (video) and Bathroom Humor for Women. http://www.femalerestrooms.com/
3. International Center for Bathroom Ettiquette.
http://www.icbe.org/womens-bathroom-issues/ & http://www.icbe.org/womens-bathroom-issues-ii/
4. How to Properly Use a Public Women's Restroom.
http://www.ehow.com/how_2128418_properly-use-public-womens-restroom.html
5. Women's Ettiquette 101.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Womens-Restroom-Etiquette

Photo credits

http://www.icbe.org/category/toilet-babes/ <--yes, that is a whole blog of hot women on toilets.